Baby and Toddler Separation Anxiety: Signs, Triggers, and Strategies

Wondering what age babies start having separation anxiety? Wondering if separation anxiety is normal for babies and toddlers to have? Is your baby noticing when you leave to refill your coffee in the kitchen and only gone for 30 seconds? Does your toddler have separation anxiety with one parent, grandparents, the nanny or being dropped off at daycare? Is the separation anxiety worse at night around bedtime and affecting sleep? In this post, we’ll talk about the signs and triggers of separation anxiety and what strategies you can use to help your child adjust!

Separation anxiety and milestones

The most important thing to remember is that separation anxiety for babies and young toddlers is often due to developmental milestones.

There are three timeframes when you may notice separation anxiety more, but it can seem pretty contant between 6-14 months!

1. 6-8 months
   This is the age when babies are going through the developmental milestone of object permanence. This is why a game of peek-a-boo can go on forever - because your baby is developing this new skill! But while your baby is learning that your absence isn’t permanent and that you will come back, those brief goodbyes can be hard!
   

2. 9-10 months
   This is the age when babies start learning about patterns and routines. Have you noticed that your child gets really excited when you start walking into the fun baby class on Tuesday mornings? She knows where you are and knows it’s going to be fun!
   
   Alternatively, maybe your baby starts fussing as soon as your start putting the sleep sack on and saying good night. Your baby has learned the steps of the bedtime routine and know s that very soon, you’ll be putting her in the crib to go to sleep.
   

3. 12-14 months
   This is the age when your child is learning so many new things! Some of the developmental milestones happening during this time include learning how to cruise or walk, a burst in language development, transition from two naps to one nap and transitioning from milk in a bottle to milk in a cup with meals. That’s a lot for a little person to handle all at the same time!

A hint about separation anxiety and sleep training…You can sleep train a child at any age, but it’s so much easier before a baby is 9 months old. I actually think the sweet spot for teaching babies independent sleep skills is 4-6 months - that’s when you’ll often see progress the fastest!

Signs of baby or toddler separation anxiety

There are three primary signs of child separation anxiety:

1. Becoming extra clingy when you’re handing child over to another person - for example, dropping him off at the grandparents house, to the teacher at daycare or the sitter when you leave for date night.

2. Having a tantrum - depending on the age of your child and where his communication skills are developmentally, if he’s sad or frustrated that you’re leaving but can’t express that in words, he’ll start crying.

3. Negotiating with parent to stay - children who are able to communicate well may try to convince parent to stay.

Triggers for separation anxiety in toddlers

1. Dropping your child off with another person
   Saying good-bye to mom or dad is most common trigger for separation anxiety.

2. Going to sleep
   The largest amount of alone time your child will experience is when he’s in the crib for naps and overnight sleep.

3. Sickness
   Even kiddos that have great sleep skills will get more clingy and want mom or dad more when they’re sick.

4. Being in a new or crowded place
   If you go to a children’s fair, zoo or even large birthday party, your child may get

5. Shared room options
   If your two children currently share a room, then the best thing to do is separate them temporarily. If you have a guest room, move your older child.

   If you are limited on space and don’t have another room to move one of them to, you can either move your older child into your room for a sleepover (making sure they know this is a one or two night thing so they don’t keep asking for it!) or have the baby sleep in a travel crib in your room.

   If you’re moving baby into your room, try to make it so she can’t see you from the crib, so either use a Slumberpod, a walk-in closet (leave door open for ventilation!) or put the travel crib at the foot of your bed (if baby isn’t sitting/standing so she won’t be able to see you).

6. Start on the weekend
   Despite all your preparations, your older child might still wakeup. That’s why it’s easiest for everyone if you start on a Friday night so you don’t have to worry about getting to work/school/daycare and can have a lazier day if needed!

There are so many pieces to successfully sleep training - Download your free PDF to help set you up for success!

What to do to help separation anxiety in toddlers

1. Don’t be anxious
   Your child is taking her cue from you, so if you show that you’re sad leaving her, she’ll feed off of that and be sad too!

2. Have a goodbye routine
   This is something you can start when your child is a baby so by the time you need to drop off at daycare or have sleepovers at grandma’s, your baby will know the routine. My FAVORITE idea for the goodbye routine - whether it’s dropoff for daycare or going to sleep at night - is in this book.

3. Don’t make the good-bye any longer than it needs to be
   If you sometimes go back for one last hug or have a lengthy conversation to try and make your child feel better, it actually does the opposite! Do your previously mentioned goodbye routine and leave.

4. Explain what’s happening
   If your child is old enough to understand, explain what will happen later that day when you drop him off - where you’ll be dropping him off, what he’ll do there, and when you’ll be back. You can also give him strategies to help if he misses you - give his teddy bear a hug, ask grandma for a hug, etc.

5. Distraction
   Ask the person you’ll be dropping your child with to immediately offer an engaging game or toy to distract your child into having fun instead of being sad at dropoff!
   
   Be sure to always say your goodbye first - sneaking out is never a great idea, because your child will learn to always keep an eye on you in case you disappear again!
   

3 tips to help separation anxiety at bedtime for toddlers

1. Use a lovey
   Children over 12 months can sleep with a stuffed animal or lovey and these can be a great comfort for toddlers having some separation anxiety around sleep. Just remind your child to hug his lovey as he’s falling asleep.

2. Have a consistent bedtime routine
   Kids thrive on consistency, so having the same routine every night is comforting to them. There are no surprises and they know what to expect. If you won’t be home for the bedtime routine, be sure to tell your older toddler ahead of time. They do much better when something new isn’t thrown into the mix in the 11th hour!

3. Practice independent play
   This is especially important right when they wake up in the morning or after a nap. Try to encourage playing solo (with you close by, but not actively playing together). If you’re cuddling with your little one immediately after waking, there’s a good chance he’ll start waking earlier in the morning (or start having shorter naps) because he’s excited to see you and cuddle!
   
   Once your child has solid sleep skills, playing independently will become easier because when a child can self-soothe to sleep, they’re better equipped to self-soothe during the day too! If you’re struggling with independent sleep skills, start there. I’d be happy to chat and see what we can do to teach your child how to fall asleep independently!

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This post is for informational purposes only and may not be the best fit for you, your child and/or your personal situation. It shall not be construed as medical advice. The information and education provided here is not intended or implied to supplement or replace professional medical treatment, advice, and/or diagnosis. Always check with your child’s physician or medical professional before trying or implementing any information read here.